thetravelblab.com

According to Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary of the English Language, the word “segue” (pronounced seg-way) is defined as, “to make a transition from one thing to another thing smoothly and without interruption.” Not to be confused with “Segway” which can be defined as 1)“a futuristic, two-wheeled personal transporter device which was named after the wrong word” or 2) the scariest thing I have ever ridden in Mexico.

Actually, it was the only thing I’ve ever ridden in Mexico, if you don’t count the open-air, camouflaged Jeep that drove our Segway Excursion group of six at a high rate of speed from the ship dock in Cozumel to the Segway hangar several miles away, in the rain.

My husband and I usually have no trouble agreeing on the numerous off-ship excursion adventures offered when we take a cruise. After several cruises, though, we have learned a few things about organized tours: 1) They don’t always turn out to be exactly as described in the excursions manual. 2) Sometimes they’re not AT ALL as described in the excursions manual. 3) You should always be prepared to back out of an excursion completely if you feel you could die from it.

After perusing our travel documents for our cruise to Cozumel, my husband asked if there were any excursions I was interested in taking. After ruling out anything that required us to board a bus, ride on a boat, or squeeze ourselves into mini-submarines, pretty much all that was left was the “Segway Adventure.”

We more or less swore off bus tours after taking a “Wine and Lunch” tour of Philadelphia several years earlier in a non-air-conditioned trolley, with lunch consisting of a plastic container of hors’du hovers that you had to balance on your knee while the tour guide screamed into her microphone for an hour and a half. The wine part of the lunch never did materialize as the server ran out of wine before making his way to the back of the bus where we were sitting.

And maybe we still had a bad taste in our mouths over the Glass Bottom Party Boat excursion my husband, daughter and I took during a Christmas cruise to the Bahamas -- riding in a rickety boat with no visible life jackets for two hours and not seeing a single fish except at the end when the captain/bartender/singer/ anchored the boat and gave us all a piece of bread to throw overboard where swarms of ugly bread-eating fish appeared on cue. Not to mention the $21.00 we had to scrounge up after each of us ordered a drink that we were led to believe in our tour literature were included in the cost of the ticket. And I quote, “A complimentary rum or fruit punch is served up during the trip.”

So, I thought, what could possible go wrong riding a two-wheeled scooter?

“You have seen them on television and in print -- now it is your opportunity to experience the future and ride the most exciting human transport vehicle today, the SEGWAY,” I read aloud from the tour description to my hubby.

“When will we ever have another chance to try one?” I reasoned.

He furrowed a brow, sighed, but agreed.

Two other couples rode with us in the Jeep to the Segway tour headquarters.

After we were all seated in a small room with a T.V., a heavily accented instructor told us he would be back after we watched the 20-minute safety video.

“But if it eez steel raining outside, we will cancel the tour, no?” he assured us.

My husband’s face lit up at the prospect.

The safety video, which should have been titled, “Why You Never, EVER Want To Attempt To Ride One Of These Things” basically demonstrated 50 or so ways to become seriously injured just by lightly putting one foot on the riding platform of the two-wheeled contraption. Stunt men riding Segways demonstrated falling over head-first, careening sideways, falling down curbs, hitting bumps, falling backwards, smashing into walls and all but being run down by a semi.

Which was my husband’s growing concern.

After the video the instructor passed out full-body safety gear which included a helmet, knee pads, and elbow pads. The six of us lined up to practice mounting and riding a Segway. Getting on is the tricky part -- if you pull the handle too far towards you, you could fall over backwards. If you push it away from you, you could tip over forward. If you step on and move the handle bar forward or backward too much, you will wobble uncontrollably. And then, if you try to jump off out of fear or panic, the Segway will take off without you, and you will more than likely crash a $5,000.00 machine -- which we were strongly encouraged not to do.

We all practiced wobbling on our Segways in the parking lot for a few feet, then turning around

The rain gradually stopped while we practiced. But I couldn’t get the vision out of my mind of the demonstrator in the safety video picking up his Segway and cautiously carrying it over a puddle of water. “Do not ride on wet surfaces!” the video warned. I looked out at the road which was populated with enormous craters of water.

“Did he say we’re first going to ride across that highway?” My husband asked me aside.

Yes, I had to admit, even with the heavy accent, I heard the instructor say that in order to get to the scenic riding trail, we would all have to cross the four-lane highway on our Segways -- inevitably straight through a number of deep puddles that should have big red X’s across them like in the video.

“Do they yield to pedestrians in this country?” I whispered to my husband, who was apparently scared speechless.

“What do you say we go back to the ship and fall off a couple of barstools instead?” he finally suggested.

Suddenly he ripped his protective gear off and left in a heap on the sidewalk to the shocked looks of our fellow Segway hostages. Not the smoothest of segues, I’ll admit, but I followed. And then we ran for our lives back to the ship -- so fast not even Paul Blart would have been able to catch us.